i’ve waited a lifetime for me.

i am not a patient woman. i wasn’t patient as a child. i wasn’t patient as a teen. i wasn’t patient as a younger woman. i am not a patient woman. so when i say to you i have waited a lifetime for me it has not been a joy filled journey with smooth jazz rhythms playing in the background as i sashayed through meaningful life lessons.

oh hell naw…

it’s been a roller coaster ride of mistakes, mishaps, and what the f— am i gonna do nows! i’ve failed multiple times and often in the same areas with the same people about the same issues. i’ve fallen and stayed down. i’ve found myself up and yet unable to enjoy the status. i’ve cried in my tea cup filled with bourbon. and i’ve danced so closely with bankruptcy i can still smell the foulness of its breath. and yet…

i don’t believe there is a single misstep i’ve taken that i wouldn’t take again knowing that it would lead me here…to this place where i love myself so unconditionally i can look me in my eyes and find nothing there but compassion and respect.

i’ve waited a lifetime for me.

in this lifetime, i’ve founded movements, organized businesses, refocused community groups, and established a family. i’ve also written and published three books filled with words i put together all by myself. i’ve driven cross country also alone in a 5-cyclinder manual. and i once walked five miles just to dip my big toe in the pacific ocean.

many of my adventures were short lived. i wonder now if my impulsivity was the culprit. being an adult with Attention Deficit Disorder  means that there are times when my impulses get in the way of my best interests. having awareness that attention deficit is the issue also makes me second guess my decisions. there are times when i most likely should jump but now i don’t because i have to ‘check in’ to make sure i’m not jumping because jumping is what i do best or if i’m jumping because this is a splendid opportunity and if i don’t jump i’m going to miss out. it’s a fine line i walk when a decision is needed urgently, chances are i miss it because my process requires that i ‘check in’ with myself to make sure that every decision is in fact the right decision.

but…

i have this business idea in my head. it’s been there for a long time now but i’ve never had the time or the opportunity (read ability) to sit still long enough to get all my ducks in a row. so for my birthday this year i signed up to take a business class. it’s been a very intriguing process especially for me to sit still in a class week after week and listen. every week i learn something new about how to plan for a business’ success. i am also learning more and more each week about myself and answering questions about why businesses i’ve started in the past didn’t prosper.

i thought my businesses failed because the economy was bad. i also blamed the business failure on people who made promises that they didn’t keep.

it didn’t occur to me that my businesses failed because i didn’t plan for their success. hmm…that applies to a lot of things, doesn’t it?

in my 20’s i decided i would start a publishing company. no, i didn’t know anything about publishing. but i believed that if i just worked hard at it i’d be a success. so i wrote three books, had a friend edit them, paid a printer to print them and TADA! i was a publisher. i created a book tour which consisted mostly of local independent book stores and coffee shops and a sold half of one title.

in my 30’s i decided to re-brand my publishing company into a consultant group. i earned a few contracts. did a handful of trainings. got paid some decent money and thought TADA! i’m a consultant. but when the economy took a nose dive my contracts dried up and my business tanked.

now i believe that in each of these instances i could have saved my business. if only i’d had a plan. but at the time i didn’t know anything about marketing or strategic planning. and until a month ago i couldn’t have told you what a sales unit was if you’d promised me the moon with the means to deliver.

i’ve spent some time mourning my lost business prospects. i thought i had some good ideas. i wish i had been able to see them prosper. but now i know that i had two things working in tandem against me:

1. i didn’t know any better; and
2. i couldn’t get out of my way.

i could have asked for help. but i honestly didn’t know that i needed help. i could have at least bought a book to learn more. but after attending a seminar on self-publishing and listening to an info-mercial on the profitability of consulting i figure i had it in the bag. i was so misinformed and impulsive. i gave up on it all too easily. moved on to the next thing without exhausting my options.

this last weekend my family buried a great man, Cecil Graham, Jr. he started a printing company in the basement of his home in 1965. he kept his business growing through times of prosperity and recession alike. he built a legacy for his family and he helped any and everyone who was trying to help themselves and someone else. i know this to be true because he helped me. when i asked him what the secret was to his success, he told me,

I work for a living but I don’t live to work.

so in his honor this weekend, i purchased the domain for this blog. perhaps that’s something i should have done years ago. perhaps i should kick myself for not making the decision to write for work but i won’t.

i have compassion for me. i know better than anyone what it costs for me to get to this point. so i’m going to map my path slow and steady like and just like Cecil told me so long ago, i’m gonna work like a mean it, cause i do.