i began this journey to reignite in me something i believed long gone…my muse. i thought in the midst of so many disappearing acts over the course of the last decade i had grown numb or deaf to the creative force that once bubbled over inside of me. like so many things i cherished in my youth i thought my creativity a passing phase. so i bid it adieu and went on to live the most adult like life i could fathom. only i felt hallowed out. although my insides were brimming with images, tastes, smells and sounds unwilling to be contained i neglected them to pay the bills and make sure my son had a safe place to play. my life content but hallow because a piece of me had yet to join it.
things don’t always go the way you planned them
this blog, a divine inspiration, to get me off my mental couch and back into the game of writing has been a lifeline through the hollowed out shell that once housed my inspiration. when i began i had no idea where it would go. but because the only challenges i’ve ever taken seriously in my life have been those where i threw the gauntlet i knew it was going somewhere. still i had no idea the passion and grief that lay beneath. i knew there were stories trapped inside me, aching my knees and stressing my back, but i had no idea they would find voice and birth themselves.
but i believe that God and time are synonymous
the writing oozes from my finger tips. at times i feel quite simply a tool being used by my muse. it requires a surrender, this writing, that brings comfort. solace finally for the woman (who is me) who had become so very weary. life did not does not beat me up. my life has been blessed and one of great favor. when i consider where i’ve come from and who i have been i know that there is something much greater at work in my life than my own imaginings and hard work. however, i did not think, not even for a moment, that i would be able to quite literally have it all…a meaningful career…a comfortable home…a car with a sunroof…a happy healthy child…a family who supports me…friends who encourage me…and to top my blessings inventory a space to stretch my creative wings.
and in time God reveals all things
in the 90’s i published three poetry chapbooks. i remember the high i felt picking them up from the printer. i cradled those three boxes like babies fresh from the womb. i traveled across the country reading and sharing my work with like minded free spirited grown people and wrote celebratory poems for children from graduations to christening to career day. although i was writing, i can see now that i had not at the time surrendered. i believed then that it was my responsibility to ‘stay on top’ of my muse. i thought then it was my job to rein it in for the consumption of the masses. so i wrestled with it. i forced it into form and functions unnatural. though i earned a bit of cash to keep my car riding, i never felt…accomplished. i had no idea then of the freedom that exist in surrender.
this time around i allow inspiration to come to me. i don’t force the work. when i want to go back and tweak something its for editing purposes only and not to ‘improve’ the texture or voice of the work. don’t get me wrong i am a firm believer in craft and work purposefully to hone my craft as a writer. however, i am learning that inspiration…that driving force that turns a moment on the street into a poem into a story line into…that’s the thing that cannot be honed should not be reined in must be free. i am learning through this process to be still and let it be. come what may.
stand in love
i didn’t know i had moments from my life trapped in my proverbial throat. i have been quite surprised and the moments my muse has taken inspiration from…a baby’s glee over a ringing bell…a mother watching her child learn to walk…a tall ship exhibit on the riverfront. these tiny moments in time, felt meaningless when it was happening. i had no idea they were filed away inside of me waiting for their opportunity to be.
i am more than half way through my 98 day journey. over the last 50 days poems, short stories, and personal essays have been gleaned from what i thought was a bare cupboard. i am a believer now in inspiration. so much so that i may very well tattoo it on my arm as a reminder to self to never assume inspiration gone when in fact she is everywhere all the time. if i just pay attention to world around me the stories will tell themselves. i have always been afraid (i admit it) that i didn’t have the discipline to write a book. i don’t know why given that i have in fact authored 3 collections. but somewhere in my mind fear had settled in and started a conversation with my better self and squashed out the inclination to listen to and follow where inspiration lead. fear can kill many things but inspiration i have learned isn’t one.
i just want to testify
there are 48 more days left in this journey. 48 more musings. 48 more reasons for me to set inspiration free. i am just so grateful for the opportunity and the means to make it happen. thank you for being there to read and hear about it so far.
amazing grace saved my life.