I use to have a life but then I got an iPhone and Facebook account and my life became virtual. I’ve stopped talking on the phone practically altogether although in truth I was never really a telephone chatterer. It’s just easier to text or send an email and inboxing someone is damn near instant message.

When I get sleepy in meetings now I check my phone which causes significantly fewer stares than the dozing I’ve done in the past. I keep my grocery list, contact list, to do schedule and bucket list all on apps that are made just for list making. When I need a minute to handle business my son has a section just for him with games and graphics that keep him happily occupied.

My iPhone organizes dinners and screens potential lovers. Its navigated my mother and directionally challenged relatives through traffic jams and missed exits.

I use to tell people if my iPhone were a man I would pledge undying loyalty and offer to birth it’s children. This was an honor previously reserved only for a Frederick Douglass incarnate and given that I have loved Frederick Douglass much longer than I’ve even been on speaking terms with technology I stopped saying I would marry my iPhone. Frederick Douglass after all is way hotter.

My iPhone coupled with Facebook and the awesomeness that is google maps and foodonthetable.com make my singular womanhood a breeze. I keep track of the young ones, plan bar b ques, monitor scavenger hunts, keep up with birthdays and provide my two cents on everything from cupcake planning to prom dresses.

Back when I had the face-to-face life I spent a lot of time driving and talking in slow motion to recordings or operators who behaved like recordings because they just repeated the very same thing you heard recorded. Now I just google or WebMD my question.

I’ve scheduled reservations and faxed documentation all at the touch of my finger tips. Now I only talk to confirm plans previously made with Facebook. I’m actually waiting for the moment when a relative or giddy girlfriend sends their wedding invite via evite. It could happen.

Yeah I use to have a life filled with appointments, meetings, brunch and coffee dates. I use to go to concerts and art galley openings. I mc’ed poetry readings and helped organize grassroots movements. But then I got an iPhone and MoveOn does all the legwork so all I have to do now is press send. I can even have my tithes electronically sent to the charity of my choice without even having to set foot in a sanctuary. It’s amazing really this technology.

A miracle if you ask millions. I once thought of a plan for explaining to my grandmother all the things I can do from my smart phone, including writing this post, but I couldn’t even explain it to myself. So I dropped that conversation and went on to thinking of ways of explain the condition of my kitchen which I am certain she would find more disturbing.

I once dropped my iPhone in a parking garage. Before I even recognized it was gone it was turned in to the office and was places back in my shaking hands. I shuttered at the idea that it was left behind even one moment without it seems undo able. It says a lot that the rescuer knowing the plight of some separated from their phone would turn it in with asking for reward.

Leaving the house my external check now goes: kid, phone, keys, food. It says something that my phone is only second to kid and two slots above food.
In the words of Ronald Weasley (Harry Potter’s BFF) I really ‘need to get my priorities in order.’ But with my iPhone I can order new keys and food. I’m waiting on the app that tethers my kid and dog. Although my dog never moves more then 10 yards out of my sight and my kid screams like a siren whenever I leave a room.

I can even track the miles as well as time the walks I walk with my dog. It’s how I knew he was getting old noting he tires out practically completely at mile 1.67 where he use to go to 3.9 and still wanted to play chase the squirrel.

I’ve struggled with developing into a hermit curmudgeon for much of my life. I forced myself in life before my iPhone (BMI) to leave my comfort zones generally behind a journal, typewriter, word processor, computer and connect with real people in real time. My life with my iPhone (WMI) gives me the best of both worlds. I can stay in my head while being in someone else’s virtual face. So I’m saved from curmudgeon-hood but becoming a hermit seems to be firmly on the table.

I use to have a life but then I got an iPhone so now I have a lot of time on my hands…Wanna go for a drink?